Authr Q&A- The lovely Eilleen Wharton, who could (hope she doesn't) give up her writing career and be an instant success as a stand up comedian (well in my very humble opinion at least

Eileen Wharton, in case you hadn't twigged, is one of the funniest most endearing people I've ever interviewed.  She possesses that rare combination of humerous self- deprecation and incisive wit.  She has an eye for both the amusing and the sinister... and judging by some of her answers, her favourite song should be 'Little Old Gin Drinker Me!'  It's only 9AM and we've already cracked a bpttle! Please give a huge welcome to Eileen Wharton. This is a whammy of an interview.

Liz: Tell us a bit about your current book release.

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Eileen: ‘Blanket of Blood’ is a grim and gritty Northern noir, serial killer thriller. The body of a baby is found in the woods but all is not as it seems. A twisted serial killer is targeting young, pregnant girls. DI Gary Blood must bring to justice the most sadistic murderer his force has ever seen. Will he catch the Crotchet Hook Killer before it’s too late? Dun dun dun … (pauses for effect)  It’s published by the formidable and fabulous Bloodhound Books and it’s cheaper than a Thai massage in Prague on a Good Friday morning and is probably better for the soul.

Liz: How long did Blanket Of Blood take to write?

Eileen: I hate being asked this because I’m very slow. It took five years. In my defense, that wasn’t full time. I was working full-time as a teacher for much of that time and I have five children. And they’re all mad. I get phone-calls at all hours of

the morning to say one is AWOL and another is drunk. (Not the nine year old before you ring Social Services. She’s too busy watching programmes where zombies eat each other’s bowels. At least she isn’t watching Family Guy. My youngest son used to watch it all the time, (which explains A LOT btw)  because I thought it was just like Tom and Jerry or The Simpsons. I think I might have digressed. Yeah so five years. Whatofit? I’lltryanddobetter.) 

Liz: Is there a subsidiary character you have created and are particularly fond of and why?

Eileen: Oh I absolutely love Elsie from ‘Shit Happens.’ She’s

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a middle aged woman, born and bred on a council estate who’s always getting things mixed up. She wanders the aisles of B and Q looking for clitoris plants and she thinks bureaucrats are a Walt Disney film. Her husband Billy fixed their electric cooker (which was giving her electric shocks) by nailing a pair of rubber wellies to the floor. She forgoes Tampax and uses a bunch of leaves so she can pay the tallyman and she smokes about sixty Woodbines a day.

I also love Tree from ‘Blanket of Blood.’ She’s a sex-mad pathologist who’s trying to jump Gary Blood’s bones and won’t take no for an answer. We see more of her in ‘Blood’s Thicker,’ and she really comes into her own in book 3. (Just a little teaser for you there.)

I think I like my subsidiary characters better than my main ones. Hmmmm,  maybe I need to rethink this …

Liz: Where is your favourite place to write and why?

Eileen: It has to be my bed because I’m basically a slob and

it means I don’t have to make any effort at all, though I will shower and brush my teeth first. (There has to be some standards.) I often write in Starbucks and they object to my jamas so I have to wear actual clothes and if I don’t put on my make-up I curdle the latte and scare the other customers. I’m inspired when I write in different locations. Preferably somewhere hot, sunny and tax deductible.

Liz: Any writing exercises you’ve found particularly useful as a writing stimulus?

Eileen: My favourite one I call spew and review. You start 
with a sentence. For example: I opened the door and there she was … You set a timer for ten minutes and write anything that comes into your head. You aren’t allowed to stop. Just be sick on the page. Even if you write things like … I have no idea what to write next … the woman next door is hanging her big knickers on the line … When the timer goes off you edit your work and choose the sentences you’d like to keep. It’s good for getting the creative juices flowing. Never expect the first draft to be good. No one’s first draft is good. Not even Emily Bronte’s or Pat Barker’s. Everyone has to edit. I remember on my one hundred and seventy third draft of ‘Shit Happens’ someone made the comment: ‘it reads like a first

draft.’ I won’t say what I wanted to do to that person but it isn’t legal and it isn’t pretty.

Liz: Can you tell us two things about yourself that your readership may be unaware of?

Eileen: I am regularly mistaken for Megan Fox (my tits are perkier though)

and I have a phobia of tinned tuna.

Liz: Yeah, I have the same problem

with Holly Willoughby (re the tits not the tuna).   If you weren’t a writer what would you like to do?

Eileen: I thought about answering the snog, marry avoid question but there’s no one I’d like to snog or marry except my lovely man (also known in certain circles as Hatman.) And there’s loads of the f?@£%!! I’d avoid. So I thought this question was safer. If I wasn’t a writer, without

question I’d have been a freezer cleaner at Farm foods. Just kidding, I’d have been an actress. I’ve always been a bit of a drama queen and I love slipping into character. (Ooh matron. Do behave!)

Liz: Which author are you cosying up 

with tonight? 

Eileen: Tonight I’m having a threesome. 

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Me, Danielle Ramsay and Howard Linskey. (Howard’s such a lucky guy!) I’m loving Danielle’s detective and I need to read Howard’s before his next launch. I’m waiting for Kerry KA Richardson to email her latest too and I’ve got Sheila Quigley under the pillow. What can I say? I’m a book slut.

Liz: If you were to host a “Come Dine With Me” party, who would you invite from the Crime Fiction fraternity? and why?

Eileen: Ooh I love this idea. How many people are at these

parties? I forget. I’d obviously invite the friends I’ve already mentioned as they’re northern, down to earth and class. I’d have Linda La Plante because she’s hilarious. She had the audience rolling in the aisles at Harrogate.

Stuart Macbride is funny so he might get an invitation along with his characters Logan MaCrae and Roberta Steel. 
I’d invite Mo Hayder because I love her writing and her DI Jack Caffrey because he’s one of my favourite detectives. Ian Rankin is a cool guy and he could bring

along Rebus. Terry and Sue Wilkinson would have to be there and Sumaira Wilson because she’s just one of the warmest loveliest people I’ve ever met. I just hope they all like kebab and chips washed down with gin.

Liz: Could you describe the book you are working on at the moment using only 5 words?

Eileen: Hell in a f?!£$%  handcart.

Liz:  Can't wait! Do you have competing ideas for future projects and have you ever worked on more than one at the same time?

Eileen: This question almost made me weep. I always have too many projects on the go at one time. Always. Never learn. As we say on my estate, ‘well bad does my head right in.’ Blood’s Thicker was split in two when I realised I was writing two different novels. The next crime novel, I’ve realised, is two different novels. I’m also writing a young adult novel and a number of children’s books. Pass the gin …No seriously; I’ve answered all of your questions. Untie me and pass the Bombay Sapphire.